anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Randomize
