Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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