I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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