and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
