we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
