he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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