You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
