Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Randomize
