I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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