I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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