How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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