I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
