I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
