Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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