Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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