So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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