You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
