Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
