grandma shit on top of the toilet
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
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