Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
where does the pee come out of this thing
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
