i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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