He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
