i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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