there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
