You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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