The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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