I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
you had me at cake vodka
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
