apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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