Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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