And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
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