did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
