Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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