im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Is that strawberry winking at me??
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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