And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
