My room smells like vodka and shame
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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