I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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