I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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