I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
