Got a toothbrush?
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
