Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
