God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
