you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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