evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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