ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
