so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
