We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
