I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
