I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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