Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
