I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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